January 19, 2014 featuring The Anthropologists of Nosy Mangabe


The most common argument against the theory that humans evolved from monkeys is an argument that has been regurgitated more times than a bulimic’s favorite dish: “If humans came from monkeys, then how are there still monkeys around?”
Well, in the summer of 2007, it seemed that the answer to that question lay in the dense jungles of the island of Nosy Mangabe. Anthropologists, evolutionary biologists, and freak show operators from around the world flocked like pilgrims to a shrine to witness a glitch in the evolutionary timeline; indeed, there was a creature on the island, which is known for its lemur population, that had been born a lemur, but everyday, was progressively taking on a more definitively human form. This creature represented a phenomenon so extremely curious, that the scientific community affectionately named it “Extremely Curious George.” Scientists were dazzled at the idea that, in our midst, might be a living time-lapse video of our own origins.
Four Anthropology grad students from the University of Phoenix were deployed to the treacherous island to document the lightning-fast evolution of this creature, and within days of arriving upon the island’s shores, they had taken it upon themselves to cleverly inculcate the lemur community in state-of-the-art lemur suits so as to attain front-row seats to the creature in question’s evolution. For two years, they behaved as lemurs during the day time (right down to their perfection of the art of pegging foes with something that would make a dung beetle salivate), and at night, relayed their findings to University Officials back in the states. Many of their discoveries became published in prestigious anthropological journals, and became stars of the simian-studying world.
Among their many discoveries was the fact that in order to coordinate attacks, lemurs would assign specific howls in harmony to a variety of actions, and that, though they had no spoken language, they did have a musical one.
After three years of observing the ever-evolving creature, they decided that it had matured into a human-enough organism that they should now capture it and present it to the American scientific establishment for examination. Betraying the trust that the lemur community had placed in them, they shot the creature (which now resembled a virginal, human, woman) with a tranquilizer dart, and stuffed her in a crate. After a turbulent ship ride for five weeks, they finally arrived back in the states, their prize in tow.
American scientists gathered like rabid apple devotees during the release of a new iPhone to run all sorts of tests on the now-evolved human that they had returned with. One of those tests, however, would sound the death knell for their academic careers.
On a fateful day in June of 2010, the results of various genetic tests came back, revealing that the creature was not, as believed, a rapidly evolving lemur, but rather, an abandoned human child that had been born with a condition that caused her to be covered in hair from head to toe. In a serendipitous twist of fate, however, she also processed the gene for premature balding, and by her 17th year, had become completely emancipated from the furry shackles that she had been born in. Essentially, the anthropologists of Nosy Mangabe had been studying a Springer guest, and not an enigmatic anomaly.
For their inability to have noticed this from the beginning, the anthropologists were banished from the scientific establishment, and Jane Goodall breathed a sigh of relief at once again having her rightful throne as the queen of simian impersonators returned to her.
Destitute, the anthropologists and their creature (who they named Kaitlin) careened their way aimlessly through life, like cars with balding tires on a slippery road. They had gone from having admirers aplenty in the anthropological community (or fanthropologists, as they’re referred to in that circle), to being considered lower life forms than amoebas (in fact, several anthropological and evolutionary text books written by their former peers began to introduce them as the lowest form of life to new generations of students as a very high-brow form of persecution).
One day, with no other options left to pursue, Charles invited the group to, for old times sake, start imitating the howled harmonies that they had learned from the lemurs on the street. A crowd soon assembled, and swooned over their plagiarized genius.
From that day forth, the Anthropologists dedicated themselves to crafting a career out of marketing stolen lemur harmonies, and, due to the fact that lemurs are almost as bad at protecting intellectual properties as they are at developing opposable thumbs, their career has evolved at a rate faster than what they once thought their creature was evolving at.

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